


Doorways Home

by nallerine



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5034313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nallerine/pseuds/nallerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The eternity isn’t an endless amount of moments. It’s a one moment, claiming the mind and soul completely until you become its prisoner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doorways Home

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like a terrible human being for writing this. Take note of the warnings and read with caution!  
> The title comes from the song "Doorways Home" by Radical Face.

Jensen hated every single moment of them being apart. Out of all the people, the person who played one of the Winchester brothers should be the one to know it would probably be healthier for them not to be as entwined, not to be as addicted to each other as they were. Most of the time they spent on their own was for PR purposes, to create the illusion of not being so suspiciously, insanely close. Sometimes one of them left behind in Vancouver, still having some scenes left to film, while the other got back to Austin, or the other way around, flying to Vancouver earlier. So Jensen waited, having already done the major part of the cleaning for the upcoming Thanksgiving. He snorted with laughter as he remembered “Waiting for Jared” – his imagined autobiography he came up with on one of the conventions. Jared stayed in Vancouver for a couple of days longer than Jensen, still having some filming left to catch up on, he would be coming home late evening, right when almost all the chores were done. He wouldn’t get away from cooking, though.

~ ~ ~

They talked on the phone this morning, when Jared waited for his plane at the airport, bitching about how his flight was getting ridiculously delayed again, making their time apart longer than necessary. His mood lifted when he was promised a home-made pepperoni pizza with mushrooms (no olives), practically drenched in olive oil. Jensen climbed down to their wine cellar, bringing one of the bottles with him, the pizza already sitting in the oven, waiting for the sign that Jared had already landed and was heading home.

There were two missed calls on the phone he left on the kitchen table, along with one new message on his voice mail. A smile appeared on his face as he played it, a warm feeling spreading in his chest. Is has been almost nine years they’d been together, yet sometimes they still failed to stop acting and feeling like two teenagers, dealing with the intensity of the first love.

“Hi, it’s me, I’m back to torment you.” He snorted. “Um, I’m just gonna grab my luggage and I’m gonna be heading home. Be there as soon as I can, ‘kay? Love ya.”

He put the phone down and turned on the oven.

~ ~ ~

Beautiful smell had already filled the kitchen, making Jensen’s mouth water. He turned the oven off, taking the food out and putting it onto the table, thinking Jared should be there any minute now. He got distracted when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Great. He’s probably stuck in a traffic jam. He thought. The food will get cold. His brow furrowed in confusion when he saw the unknown number on the phone screen.

“Hallo?”

“Mr. Ackles?”

“… Who is this?”

“My name is dr Derrick Holloway, I’m calling from Austin State Hospital. It’s about Mr. Padalecki.”

The world stopped. His brain refused to work properly, body to move, words to come out of his mouth.

“There has been a car crash on the Route 183 near the Austin-Bergstrom Airport, Mr. Padalecki had been badly injured, we…”

He could hardly understand what he was hearing; a turbid haze wrapping his mind stopped him in his tracks, made all the sounds indistinguishable.

“I’m on my way” He only managed to mumble before he grabbed the car keys and run out of the house.

~ ~ ~

He didn’t remember driving, his thoughts crippled, shock claiming him in an icy cold grip. The flashing light of the streets turned into the white, sterile hospital light. His breath escaping from him, barely allowed him to utter any words when he asked the nurse where to go. He ran, passing the faces showing pain, worry, torment, anguish. He stumbled into the IC corridor with only one thing on his mind, one word on his lips.

“Jared…” he gasped; “Where is he? Where’s Jared?”

“Mr. Ackles?” said the doctor standing in the hallway, trying to get his attention;

“Where is he?” The raw panic creeped into his voice as he tried to look past the doctor’s head, searching for the familiar silhouette behind the glass, searching for those ridiculously long hair, moving his eyes desperately, not paying any attention to the people who tried to stop him, holding him by his shoulders.

“He’s gone. I’m sorry.”

He wanted to laugh, because what he heard didn’t make a slightest sense in his mind. He wanted to yell at the doctor, because what on earth was this man talking about, he had no time to spare, he had to…

“We did everything we could. The internal damage was too severe.”

It took four men to hold him down, make him stop screaming to take him to Jared, to stop giving him that bullshit.

~ ~ ~

The eternity isn’t an endless amount of moments. It’s a one moment, claiming the mind and soul completely until you become its prisoner. That was hell. Not the demons, not the black smoke, not the torture chambers. Just one moment stretched into forever.

~ ~ ~

He didn’t notice when he collapsed, every atom of his being frozen in time, too numb to even cry. He didn’t notice when he was helped up, when he was talked to, when they desperately tried to find something in the empty shell of his body, not realizing he could as well be gone. Half of him already was, for real.

~ ~ ~

He doesn’t remember this drive either. Someone talked, someone help him up, someone made him get into a car. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to be.

“Let’s get you home.” he heard;

I don’t have a home anymore.

~ ~ ~

The door was unlocked, just as it was when he left in the rush one eternity earlier. Everything was as he left it, stopped in time; like a multidimensional photograph, it trapped him inside, making him see what was no longer his. Putting yesterday just out of his reach. If he could silence his thoughts for just a moment, if he could forget, he would believe it was no more than a bad dream. He would wake up and everything would be just fine.

~ ~ ~

Danneel wanted to stay with him for some time, but he refused. Just leave me alone.

“You’ll be okay.” No, I won’t.

“…”

“He’d want you to keep fighting, you know.” Shut up.

But he just nodded.

~ ~ ~

He opened his eyes with a long sigh. He was warm, comfortable in an embrace of strong arms of his lover. He turned around, letting their breaths mingle. Jared’s eyes opened, his lashes glistening like gold in the warm light of the rising sun.

“Hi.” he whispered; “What is it?” he asked, seeing the concern on Jensen’s face;

“Nothing. Just a bad dream.”

~ ~ ~

He awoke again, noticing the dim light filtered through heavy, autumn clouds. His limbs were numb from the cold, head pounding, mouth feeling dry like paper. He was alone. He wanted to whitewash his brain, cut off his senses, everything not to see the grotesque version of his life around him, not to smell him in the air. He fell asleep, exhausted, tears drying up on his face, not being able to muster any energy to move.

~ ~ ~

Danneel cleaned up for him, managed to force some food and water into him. She offered numerous times to move in for some time, or for Jensen to move out, to get some rest, to run away for a moment.

He didn’t care enough to respond. He didn’t care much about anything. It wasn’t his job to care. He was already gone, only a body left behind, defying the natural order.

~ ~ ~

He replayed the message on his voice mail over and over again.

“Hi, it’s me, I’m back to torment you. Um, I’m just gonna grab my luggage and I’m gonna be heading home. Be there as soon as I can, ‘kay? Love ya.”

The pain only got worse.

“Be there as soon as I can, ‘kay? Love ya.”

~ ~ ~

Sometimes he wanted to laugh, because now he understood Dean better than ever.

But it wasn’t the same universe.

There were no souls to sell.

There were no miracles to happen.

~ ~ ~

He didn’t cry anymore, he already used up all the tears his body could produce. He blacked out all the actions that lead him to this moment. It wasn’t even a conscious decision. Somehow he found himself staring at an empty bottle of whiskey and an empty packet of Jared’s sleeping pills.

“He would want you to keep fighting, you know”

He would want you to live.

I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m not as strong as you were.

~ ~ ~

It already started getting dark when the sleep begun to claim him. Just at its brink, he felt the gentle touch of fingers combing through his hair, soothing him, comforting him. For the first time in forever he felt calm.

He started to cry again when a pair of strong arms pulled him closer, sweet nothings whispered softly into his ear. He breathed in the familiar scent, feeling a gaping hole inside of him fill up, bit by bit. He pressed their faces closer together, not wanting to close his eyes, to stop looking.

“I’m sorry, Jay.” he muttered through the tears; “I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t… I should’ve…”

“It’s okay. Shhh. It’s not your fault.”

“I should’ve kept…”

“I would’ve done the same thing in your place.”

…

“Don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Jen. Never again.”

…

“It’s time.”

“Jay…”

“Don’t be afraid. It’s okay.”

“You’ll stay with me?”

“Always.”

…

“Jay, I…”

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. Just let go.”

I love you.

I love you, too.


End file.
